When you’re in a couple and you’re me and the dude was the dude you don’t go out much. Like at all.
When you’re single and you’re me and the world is beautiful YOU GO OUT A LOT.
People go to bars alone, did you know? Like with a book? At 7 PM? And walk home alone? It’s cray cray. I’ve been going to the matinee old movies with my friend Meg every Sunday, and we sneak in coffee and watch these old movies with our knees drawn up. My ridiculous hound dog and roommate and I take meandering walks in the chilly mornings when we can. Richmond is a city for shows, and honky tonk DJs, and brass bands that make you dance in the street, and parades with banjos and Halloween spooks and I’m seeing it all, babe, because I’m a fucking ramblin’ man.
But I have to talk about a serious side effect of all this shit.
It’s kind of embarrassing…but FUCK IT.
Drinking at all and walking around at all means you are just going to have to pee pee all night.
What the fuck are you going to do? It’s just human fucking nature, and it’s a basic human right to be able to use the bathroom no matter where you are in this great country. When I’m walking around and I see this joint, I get actually offended:
How can I seriously be expected to not pee in this alley. Gettin’ real, dudes, that shit happens when you’re taking a little soda walk around your gorgeous neighborhood, the one slowly declining in property value because you’re peeing behind all the trash cans.
Ok, ok, sure. Go into a convenience store, whatever. But what about when you’re actually a paying customer in some bar and you go back to the bathrooms and walk into this horseshit?
Why is this even legal. Why do these places that sell cans of what should basically be labeled “Pee Pee Water” be allowed to have fewer than 18 bathrooms. It’s ridiculous. And I see you in line, girl in front of me, girl wearing that weird baggy shirt and teeny underwear shorts and maybe glitter on some part of you. I see you, bitch, and let me tell you, I will straight up cut you RIGHT FUCKING NOW if you think you are going to post up in that stall with a drink, your phone, and some fucking lipstick while your ducklipping girlfriend takes selfies in the mirror, butthole.
And what makes this problem worse is this idea that women and men can’t both go into the same single stall bathroom. So many places have just two bathrooms for all the drunk idiots careening around the dance floor, and half of us have to make all the pee pees NOW and the other half don’t even have to take off their pants to do that. What’s with the line of demarcation, SPAIN? I get it if you don’t want people fucking in the bathroom, but, um, PEOPLE FUCK IN THE BATHROOM SOMETIMES. Making me do a little shimmy dance and promise strangers I’ll be so fast does not stop that in any way.
So now I go into whatever the fuck bathroom I want.
Reactions are mixed. Mostly, though, when I come out of a single men’s room and some bro is waiting out there he’s like, damn girl that’s brave.
Um, bitch what? How is that BRAVE. If one of my students turned in a definition essay about bravery and it was all “a girl using the men’s room” I would turn back a grade looking like this:
I can only imagine it’s brave because 1) people gonna think I’m a dude and I might get sad about that or 2) maybe I’ll be sexually assaulted because I’m in a dude space when I’m not supposed to be and all dudes are terrible, terrible monster mashes who have no concept of the basic human necessity of having to use any available bathroom right this cocksucking second. OMG, these things make no sense. Oh, oh, maybe it’s because guy bathrooms are so gross? But did you hear me say that sometimes you have to just pull down your tights in an alley and look up to Jesus and think of England?
And can I give a shout to my T people in that whole LGBTQ thing who should be able to pee in the peace, love, and harmony of where the fuck ever there’s a bathroom?
Look, just start using all the single space bathrooms everywhere. It’s like the easiest social change you could possibly effect, plus you can get back out to swinging your ass around the dance floor that much sooner.